Headless chicken

I feel like a headless chicken running around trying to find my head

AAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm actually so darn stressed.

I am tired of applying for jobs. I am tired of looking for jobs. I am tired of getting rejected.

I think if I get another rejection, I might jump off a building.

Seriously. It sounds almost impossible to get employed.

And I'm stuck in this situation where either I'm over-qualified for small roles (according to some people..) or that I'm overly lack of experience.

Either boats dont want to take me. I'm left stranded in the water, struggling to survive.

I'm at this point where I feel like standing naked on top of a car in CBD shouting,

"who wants me?!!!"

I've had enough. I cant sleep. I cant eat. I cant think.

And doing other stuff unrelated to job hunting makes me feel absolutely guilty. On top of the feeling I have for still being unemployed.

I feel like throwing up.....

I'm missing the food!!

For the past few nights, I've been missing KL more than ever...

Often late at night, I crave for food or drinks only to disappoint myself because places are closed.

Some nights I crave for bubble tea and the thought of having to drive all the way to chinatown for it (and I'm not even sure what time they close) kinda puts me off. Ok, maybe I wont even be able to get it late at night in KL. But at least I can get other drinks!!!! Like mango sago from KTZ, sitting at mamak..

Some nights I crave for supper - roti canai, roti salad, cheese naan!!!!!!, char kuey teow, chinese style western food, wantan noodle, fried tung fan, kon chow hor, cantonese fried, lobak.. so many more. But I cant get any.

And then sometimes in the day, I feel like having hawker food. Laksa, western food (again?? :P), flat pork ball noodle, pan mee, yummy chicken rice, good fried kuey teow, fragrant and yummy nasi lemak!!!, indian curry, siew pau, curry puff - chinese and malay style, fried economy beehoon and kuey teow, yau tiew, crispy yong tau foo, fried wantan.. Sometimes I get so crazy I even crave for economy rice. Have you seen me eat economy rice?? Rare occurence. LoL. But I like the vegetarian economy rice. And I miss having vegetarian dinners at restaurants. I miss vegetarian food, full stop.

I'm missing Msia's hawker food big time. BIG BIG time. I'm missing the convenience of food and drinks. I'm missing the lights in KL. I'm missing Msia terribly..

I even miss Msia's KFC!!! -__-" where is my zinger maxxxx............. and cheesy wedges.......

I'm even missing the indian fried noodle in Penang. And the charcoal fried kuey teow by the uncle. And the swimming club cordonbleu. And the uncle francis fusion western food, which is more unique than chinese style western food :P And the laksa with fried popiah. Love the fried popiah. I'm even missing the cozy "little cottage". And the cozy restaurant "18".

I miss the fooooood.....

*cry*

I'm actually quite amazed how I barely put on weight when I'm in Msia. I eat so much. Do so little. Sleep so much. And yet when I wake up I wanna eat again. LoL.

Maybe instead of cream and pastries and butter, food in Msia is full of oil and lard. LoL. Which is more fattening ah? :P

I WANT SUPPER!!!!!!!

*drives to nearest 24hr McD*

Empty and Angry

I've just been rejected for the bank's position. How devastating.

I've reached this point where I'm just too tired, too disappointed, too lost with hope, too desperate, too heartbroken with this job hunting game.

Over the past 3 months, I've applied to about 70 jobs. Many? Little? I dont know. Lets say 10 of them are engineering graduate programs, then I must have applied to about 60 jobs. And I've got no replies, except for a handful. And of course, a few handfuls of rejections.. saying they "regret not being able to process your application further"... Uh huh. I'm sure they really regret it.

Just when one great opportunity came, I thought this was finally my chance!! Finally I can start working and not sit on my bum and rot. But there is aways someone better out there.

I just feel like sitting in a corner, wallow in self pity and how useless I am, then start bawling my eyes out.

There is nothing left in me. I no longer hold any hope. I have zero self confidence left. I have no more motivation. No more strength. No more ideas. No more enthusiasm. No more excitement. No more anything. Nothing.

I am empty.

I never expected myself to be unemployed for so long. Although I know it's hard to get a job here, I never expected it to be that hard. And I never expected myself to be in this depressing situation.

Friends tell me "the right job will come at the right time, Su". uh huh. When is the right time? Is there really a "right job"?? I've been trying, hoping, waiting. I guess its not the right time yet? I seriously hope the "right time" is some time before the day I decide to kill myself.

Another friend keeps telling me, "Not to worry. The job market is so good now. You'll get a job soon". Again. Yes, the job market is good. But I still cant get a job. All these people want this skill, that skill, few years experience. I dont have!!! I'm willing to work towards their goals, take up necessary training and all. But still!! I'm not good enough for them!!!!!!!!!

These people are already working because they got into graduate programs. One is through a winter vacation employment that only offered places to people who are PR's. And that time, I wondered how come all my friends had that letter but not me. I tried to apply for graduate programs last year too. But 8/10 of the job applications are online and the first question they ask you is, "Do you have rights to work and live in Australia?"

Gosh. What are you to answer? Yes? Lie and try to explain urself and convince them of your honest personality, IF you get to the interview stage. Say NO? And get bumped out of the application straightaway - "I'm sorry. This position is only open to applicants who are able to work and live in Australia."

My other rich international friends are probably not that worried about money. Gosh. They are able to afford that $100k bond for their migration. Whether or not it was a loan their father undertook doesnt really matter. It's still a AUD100k loan.

My local friends will not understand my feeling of not being able to find work. Afterall, if they cant find work, they can easily get the dole from the govt. My "dole" comes from my parents hard earned money whose value is slashed by a third because of the exchange rate.

Maybe its wrong to come back here for jobs. I should have started working in Msia, and if still interested, apply for PR offshore. That way, I wont be using $ that is 3x RM. And I am also able to earn some money and support myself.

My life is like a path gone wrong. Wrong university course. Wrong decision to come back. Wrong future planning. Just plain wrong. Everything is wrong!!!!!!!!!

The new desk beauty

Introducing my new desktop..

Muahahahahaha

I finally made the ultimate decision to pack away my faithful old desktop to make way for this beauty.

Aahhh... my desk looks so much neater and less clustered now :P Even the wires are neater! Haha.

Previously I was using both the desktop and notebook, but it gets quite inconvenient having 2 pc's on one desk.. And gradually, I got so accustomed to the speed of my notebook that my desktop seemed to lag more than usual -__-"

LoL.

I'm so spoilt >_<"

Insanity

Previously I wanted to sleep early but I was distracted by light and sound. And I was never tired enough to sleep by 12am.

Now, I simply refuse to go to bed. Even when I'm sleepy by 9pm. I'll just stay up and play games on my notebook till 1am. 2am sometimes. And my eyes will be so tired but I'll still play. I'll play until I notice the clock shouting back at me to sleep. Then I'll sleep.

And then I cant wake up the next morning. LoL.

I'm getting mad.

I'm a snow leopard!!

Do you agree? Go fill up some of your spare time! Hahaha.

OMG! I'm a snow leopard :P Sounds cool, eh?

Fish!!

New generation people! Do you know how to clean a fish?

Like cleaning the insides of a fish, pulling the guts out, scaling it, bla bla bla

So obvious I dont know right? LoL. I've seen my mum do it many many years ago. Here, I've seen my aunty do it, occasionally...

But I've never personally laid my hands on a whole fish to clean it >_<" eeek!

Usually the smell is enough to make me hold my breath. The sight of the insides is enough to make me turn my head away asap. And it's been a long time since I saw fish eyeballs, apart from chinese restaurants in Msia lah.. I still cant quite digest the fact that people actually eat those eyeballs... *bluergh*

Fish is never served whole here. It's usually fillet or pieces. Of course chinese (and some thai) restaurants will still serve you the whole fish. I guess its customary. Is it offensive if you serve chinese a fish without the head? Hmmm... I dont know. I'm not that chinese in terms of these kinda stuff >_< LoL

But seriously, I cannot clean a fish from scratch!!!

If I really really have to, you'll probably see me with hand gloves, eye and mouth mask, full body protective suit, standing 2 feets away from the fish with my hands stretched out. Hahaha. Actually, the chances of me handling a fish is very low :P Not just because I dont like the sight and smell of it, but also because I dont know how to. Hahaha.

Someone is going to slap me and make sure I learn to cook a whole fish >_<"

It's really convenient here you know. The "only" place you can get fish is the supermarket. No wet markets with market boots and fish mongers shouting the fish of the day :P The fish here are cleaned, and filleted, ready to be sold to customers. Or, they are placed there, and when bought, they will offer to clean and fillet it for you. How nice right? :P

Else, you can go to the wholesale fish market on sundays, which open at 4.30am if I'm not mistaken. And there, you can buy the whole fish - salmon, the huge mackeral, any fish. Then you have to clean it yourselves. LoL. They can slice it for you, but cleaning - DIY, madam.

Ahh... I like fish better than chicken or pork. Maybe I can only eat fish here if I have to cook it myself >_<" LoL

They will never understand

Some people will never understand the experience and feeling of wearing braces..

They will never understand how the braces keep hurting the sides of your mouth, causing ulcers.

They will never understand how sometimes the side of your mouth, actually, and seriously, gets hooked to stupid idiotic little hooks on certain brackets. Causing big movements of your mouth to be painfully restricted unless you physically pull your cheeks away from your braces...

They will never understand how eating certain veges can actually make you choke! As the fibres sometimes get stuck around your brackets - causing half the vege down your throat to fight with the other half vege stuck around your braces. HORRIFIC!!!

Being unable to properly chew/bite some noodles have the same effect. How pathetic.

If you see me choking over the dinner table and tears start coming out of my eyes, you now know why..

They will never understand how some adjustments are more painful than usual,

Hence not being able to eat anything harder than mashed potatoes. From a few days, till more than a week. Because the pain and sensitivity is there for that long..

You end up being constantly hungry the whole day, even if you eat something (yoghurt, mashed potatoes, etc) every 2-3 hours.

It's a gentle reminder why I NEVER go on a diet. It's too torturing.

And you have to constantly remind yourself not to clench/grind your teeth, esp. when you're doing it subconsciously during stressed moments, because that small little pressure might make you yelp silently in pain.

For the whole day after your adjustment, you've indirectly become this extremely quiet (if not already) person around. Speaking very little. Opening your mouth very little.

There is also the occasional tendency to drool when you're asleep as you try to keep your top and bottom sets of teeth apart.. *lol*

Some say it's all about getting used to it. If you havent experienced the same before, you better keep those words to yourself. I dont want to start arguing with you. And sometimes I just wanna cry..

I want to eat. I dont care about braces anymore. I dont care if they say "No pain, no gain". I dont want to gain anymore!!

And these people that you share your feelings with, they try their best to make you feel better with comforting words, but they will never NEVER understand what you're actually feeling.

Because they have not experienced it before. Because they feel by you telling them, they're supposed to say something nice to make you feel better. Guess what? Those comforting words dont make me feel any better. At all!!!