Its been a while

It has been a while. So many issues, so many unhappiness. But I simply couldnt find the energy and time..

Tonight I am determined.

And so the recent update is that I might be homeless in the near future. I'm not sure when but the issue of getting a house is no longer a probability, but a definite agenda. When the issue first came up about a year ago, everyone dismissed it - saying its only a plan but no decisions have been made. But the night she knocked on my door and said agents are coming to appraise the house the next morning, it all become crystal clear.

I couldnt fall asleep that night. And even when I woke up, it didnt feel like I had actually slept. I was so stressed that the morning "vomiting" actually returned..

I felt under so much pressure. I felt so stressed and was so unhappy for the next few days. One night, I finally popped. I couldnt take it anymore, I couldnt pretend that everything is fine, I couldnt suppress my fear and pressure anymore.

It was that night that I realised that I actually have no one.. No one at all.

At the verge of crying, I couldnt get anyone on the phone. I called him but he was out of reach, I couldnt call Grace because she was in Brisbane and it was 1am, I called puisan but her phone died and probably couldnt tell from that "Hello" that it was me and didnt bother returning my call, I tried him again but I still couldnt get him, I called Beth out of desperation but she didnt pick up, and then I tried him again..

The moment he picked up the call, tears were falling down my cheeks. I have never felt so lonely... And throughout that "conversation" all I could manage were tears. I couldnt even tell him what was wrong until a few minutes later.

It made me think, who am I going to invite to my wedding? Who am I going to invite to be my bridesmaid or which of my girlfriends are actually that close that I would have no hesitation inviting them to my hen party (if I ever have one)? It was obvious that I'm slowly drifting apart from my friends in KL and the only girlfriend that I have in Perth is Grace.. The only person I feel comfortable to share my ups and downs, the only person I know is genuine as a true friend. I felt such a loser.

I am currently having a very difficult time, having to be capable enough to buy a house for the 3 of us and also support our living (food, household expenses, bills etc.) when I've only just worked for 1 year. I have to be honest but its very very hard. I'm finding it extremely difficult.

I dont have parents who live in Australia with me, who are able to financially assist me in securing my own place and probably not need me to worry about supporting my two other sisters too. I dont have parents who are filthy rich such that I can probably buy a house with a cheque without taking up a home loan either. Neither do I have a bf who's family is in Australia such that we can both live at home for the time being.

At times like these, I find it really hard to count the things that I dont have. Because every situation that I assess, it made me realise how much I actually didnt have and how much responsibility I actually have as the eldest daughter, the only working daughter, and the only person in the immediate family earning a steady and "decent" income. I feel like I'm competing against money. Everything that I'm fighting for, everything that I hate, I am actually competing with the rich. This is a war that I cannot win and this is a war I cannot walk-out on either.

Another conversation with my mum made me realise that despite all my resentment and finger pointing, I have never really appreciated what my dad has done for us. I accuse my parents of poor planning, over confident outlook, poor guidance on my sisters and their career/education choice, and stubbornness in insisting everyone gets an overseas education when our financial condition is so bad. I even told my mum I'm so angry that they "act like rich people when we're not". I was fortunate that I was speaking to my mum instead of my dad, because if I did, I dont think I can ever speak to my dad ever again.

All my seven years of education here in Perth, my parents have worked hard to make sure I am able to do what I want to do. Despite our financial condition, my dad didnt object at all when I decided to take up double degree Engineering/commerce that lasts five years instead of simply taking commerce which is only 3 years, or simply engineering for 4 years. Despite the dollar appreciating steadily as the years went by, my parents has never forced me to finish my education in Malaysia and instead they saved and saved by not spending anything on themselves so that I can have enough money to spend here in Perth.

And now that my sisters are here, I've been complaining and complaining about them not doing a good job, not being a wise decision to send them here, and simply resentful that I'm now burdened with my sisters. I do understand that my dad has been working so hard all his life to bring in enough money to support all of us. And I do understand and know that my dad would only buy the cheapest item for himself because he would always give us the best. He is now 57 years old and he is yet to enjoy comfort or relief. For a person who has worked all his life, my parent's only "savings" for rainy days is their 3 daughters.. because there is simply no opportunity to save.

And he said that I am obsessed with money. More obsessed than I think I am. He could be right. But I feel like I dont have a choice. My sisters need to finish their education and that needs money. We need a place to stay. That needs money too. We need to eat. That needs money. I want to go and spend xmas with him at the end of the year. That needs money too.. Everything needs money and money is not something I have. Money is something we've never had. So what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel/react? I cannot pretend that money is not important to me now and I cannot pretend that I dont need it. Because I desperately do.

A few nights after I popped, I laid in bed trying to fall asleep when the thought raced across my mind.. What if one day he decides me and my problems are too much for him to handle? What if one day he decides that he's had enough of this one-sided sacrifice? What if one day he decides that he's going to pursue his own dreams and does not want my never-ending problems to bother him ever again? What will I do if we break up? What will happen to me? Will I survive if I lose my only source of support and love? Will I survive if I lose the only person who can cheer me up when I'm feeling down? Will I survive when I lose the person I look to as my only hope when everything around me is falling apart?

What will we say when we bump into each other on the streets many years later? What will I feel when I realise he's actually married and is expecting his first child? What will I do if I still love him?

This fear has continually built itself over time as my problems seem to grow. On some days I get so scared that I had the thought of ending it now.. Instead of holding onto him selfishly while I battle through my war, I should give him the opportunity to achieve what he wants to achieve. I cannot imagine how my heart will break when that happens but I dont want both of us to suffer when one of us can be happy.. Then I literally tried to slap myself out of that destructive thought by scolding myself that its my hormones talking, its my hormones talking. But in actual fact, I'm just too much of a coward to let go because I dont know if I can.

Coincidentally the next day, he said "sometimes I dont know if I want a gf with so much debt.." I cannot agree more. Who would want a gf/wife who is constantly burdened by her own problems that she doesnt even have the time/opportunity to build their family together.. And everyday they'll be talking about this bill, that bill, money here money there.

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer him as a gf. And I've probably taken a million times more that I have given in this relationship. I do not know how or if I am able to repay my "debt" to him in this life. Every day that passes by and he still loves me, is a bonus for me.

I feel like saying "I quit!". I feel like saying "I dont care anymore! I dont care if you live or die because I want to live my own life!!" but I cant. I cant say I quit. Because that is simply not a survival option..