Empty and Angry

I've just been rejected for the bank's position. How devastating.

I've reached this point where I'm just too tired, too disappointed, too lost with hope, too desperate, too heartbroken with this job hunting game.

Over the past 3 months, I've applied to about 70 jobs. Many? Little? I dont know. Lets say 10 of them are engineering graduate programs, then I must have applied to about 60 jobs. And I've got no replies, except for a handful. And of course, a few handfuls of rejections.. saying they "regret not being able to process your application further"... Uh huh. I'm sure they really regret it.

Just when one great opportunity came, I thought this was finally my chance!! Finally I can start working and not sit on my bum and rot. But there is aways someone better out there.

I just feel like sitting in a corner, wallow in self pity and how useless I am, then start bawling my eyes out.

There is nothing left in me. I no longer hold any hope. I have zero self confidence left. I have no more motivation. No more strength. No more ideas. No more enthusiasm. No more excitement. No more anything. Nothing.

I am empty.

I never expected myself to be unemployed for so long. Although I know it's hard to get a job here, I never expected it to be that hard. And I never expected myself to be in this depressing situation.

Friends tell me "the right job will come at the right time, Su". uh huh. When is the right time? Is there really a "right job"?? I've been trying, hoping, waiting. I guess its not the right time yet? I seriously hope the "right time" is some time before the day I decide to kill myself.

Another friend keeps telling me, "Not to worry. The job market is so good now. You'll get a job soon". Again. Yes, the job market is good. But I still cant get a job. All these people want this skill, that skill, few years experience. I dont have!!! I'm willing to work towards their goals, take up necessary training and all. But still!! I'm not good enough for them!!!!!!!!!

These people are already working because they got into graduate programs. One is through a winter vacation employment that only offered places to people who are PR's. And that time, I wondered how come all my friends had that letter but not me. I tried to apply for graduate programs last year too. But 8/10 of the job applications are online and the first question they ask you is, "Do you have rights to work and live in Australia?"

Gosh. What are you to answer? Yes? Lie and try to explain urself and convince them of your honest personality, IF you get to the interview stage. Say NO? And get bumped out of the application straightaway - "I'm sorry. This position is only open to applicants who are able to work and live in Australia."

My other rich international friends are probably not that worried about money. Gosh. They are able to afford that $100k bond for their migration. Whether or not it was a loan their father undertook doesnt really matter. It's still a AUD100k loan.

My local friends will not understand my feeling of not being able to find work. Afterall, if they cant find work, they can easily get the dole from the govt. My "dole" comes from my parents hard earned money whose value is slashed by a third because of the exchange rate.

Maybe its wrong to come back here for jobs. I should have started working in Msia, and if still interested, apply for PR offshore. That way, I wont be using $ that is 3x RM. And I am also able to earn some money and support myself.

My life is like a path gone wrong. Wrong university course. Wrong decision to come back. Wrong future planning. Just plain wrong. Everything is wrong!!!!!!!!!